….a false sense of security.

It’s 17months this Thursday since I quit alcohol.

Honestly?

It’s been a hard month.

The deepest darkest lows of alcoholism are so far away from me now, those black pits specks on the horizon and my resolve wavers.

Was it that bad?

I seem to be doing really well in life. I’ve learnt a lot and really managed to deal with some unresolved issues…

Maybe I could drink again and it wouldn’t be that bad…It HAS been such a long time. I could drink and do so moderately. Mindfully. That’s a thing right? Maybe at weddings? Or festivals?

The issue with having an addictive personality is having a constant internal itch inside that you don’t know how to scratch. I go to the pub and I drink far too much diet coke. I get addicted to tea and coffee, I drink it in unnatural amounts because excess is my drug! I am an addict for MORE. It can be anything. Sex. Food. Love.

I just want to stuff something inside of me and feel temporary change. I don’t know how to explain any other way. In a way it’s like being starving but nothing satiates!

I told myself I would never write a blog when feeling sad, when feeling low. When knowing this state is temporary and not a constant.

The truth, is THIS is sobriety. Not just the highs. Not just the cleverly worded and well written prose of those gifted by hindsight.

Fact is. I know some people look up to me for being open about my sobriety journey. Some people find it impressive and inspirational that I have found it so easy. I didn’t realise it until recently but there has been a certain level of pressure for me to find this easy or rather to APPEAR to never struggle. So that maybe someone will look at me and feel inspired for a change, because it isn’t that bad.

Sometimes it IS easy.

Recently it’s hard.

I think it’s important for me to talk about this bit. The ugly bit. The bit you don’t want to hear because we all want to see someone do it and do it with grace and ease; otherwise it might put you off.

My life is sometimes full of art and music. I am surrounded by poets and writers and people that fill my life with colour and inspiration. There are days where I am so high on life and cannot believe how wonderful it all is. I can’t believe I didn’t self destruct. I can’t believe my saboteur didn’t win.

…and then I’m working a lot, in a job that makes me feel trapped. I haven’t seen my partner in days and the laundry is piled high. I’m SO tired. My brain feels too big for my skull and my sleep is the sleep of the exhausted. Without dreams. I miss my family but they live far away and I haven’t had the time off to go and see them. I’ve come off anti depressants and am feeling the changes. Often my anxiety or depersonalisation rears it’s head and it gets a bit much.

I try and recapture the magic but inside my body isn’t receptive. I go to the pub and I want to drink. I want to drink because I can’t remember why I don’t drink? I just want to feel the same thing everyone else is feeling. I want to drink and I want it to be the right answer this time.

Instead I go outside and I smoke a roll up cigarette. I rationalise this in my head because it’s only ONE and at least it isn’t booze. I tell people “this is my little bit of naughty – I am allowed a bit of naughty” because in my head its the lesser evil. Then I go home and I smell and my mouth tastes bad. I get a smoke headache and feel groggy the next day.

Would it be better to just have a shandy? Just one? Or two? WOULD IT MAKE ME A TERRIBLE PERSON?

I haven’t broken my sobriety. Is a relapse necessary to remind me of why I even do this?

I feel guilty writing that sentence. But it’s the truth and there’s no point sharing any of this if I don’t share ALL the elements.

I know I am just tired and feeling low.

I know this will pass.

For now I’m going to accept this is how I feel and that right now questioning my sobriety is Ok for me to do.

I’m going to leave this here. As it is. Because right now I don’t have an answer.

When I write again hopefully I will have an answer.

Hopefully this will pass, and a new lesson will be learnt.

I honestly thought I was done writing about sobriety because I didn’t consider it to be something I struggled with anymore.

…isn’t that funny?

Author: noboozehughes

I am a Lincoln girl with a love for all things creative. I play guitar, I write songs, I draw pictures and I also abstain from alcohol. All of the things I have accomplished are thanks to taking my own self care and mental health into my own hands.

8 thoughts on “….a false sense of security.”

  1. I am a ‘more’ addict too! The annoying thing about giving in and drinking is that no good can come from it. If you just manage to have 1 or 2 you will convince yourself you are cured or that you have control over it now… and if you have a skinful you will wake up in a whole world of pain and self hatred. No win situation! I am definitely struggling with the idea of being sober ‘forever’ though. The problem is, I know how hard it is to stop again once I start…
    Being tired makes everything feel more overwhelming. Cuddle a furry animal and have a good sleep. Hope you feel brighter soon xxx

    Like

    1. Everything you’ve just said is SO true!

      I know if I did drink that nothing good would come of it. This is just all in my head!

      I’m tired and stressed and had a lot on at work.

      I know I just need to take a couple mental health days to just re-centre myself.

      I’m glad I wrote this though. I think it’s important to be honest about the bad days.

      I know it will pass. I have my dog with me. We will cuddle it out.

      Thanks for the kind words. X

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yay! Always awesome to have a dog (or cat or bunny or even a mouse) to cuddle it out. Thanks for sharing your post, it helps me so much xxx

        Like

  2. I love this. I’m definitely a more addict too. I’m new to sobriety and while all the positivity floating around is inspiring, this little bit of realness helped me feel like I’m not alone in sometimes doubting things

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I often find there is so much positivity in blog land which IS good but not always realistic. I figured if I’m going to write honestly about alcoholism and sobriety that the hard days need to go in there to! I’m glad it’s done some good. To be honest it did me good to write it. It’s ok to acknowledgment the struggle and not try to maintain a positive facade for fear it will put people off sobriety. Sobriety is still worth it even with the uglier less shiny side of well being!

      Like

  3. Alcoholism is an ugly disease that often creates incomprehensible demoralization. If you wrote about one of those events, not only would it be good, and honest; it would help you to stay true to your course. In today’s meetings, there is a need to clean it all up. It’s better and more honorable to be real. Sobriety is not a religion. – *just one person’s opinion

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I thoroughly agree with this.

      I get so fed up with the positivity.

      Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I do feel immensely positive about sobriety but NOT all the time and the longer I am sober the more boring it becomes. Dull. The first few weeks of sobriety I was high.

      Nearly two years later and my sobriety is dull and boring.

      Blogging is all well and good and #selfcare is rife wherever you go online.

      I don’t care about fluff or bullshit. I care about truth. And here is where I explore my own truth. I don’t write to influence or inspire. I write because I don’t know what else to do with all the crap in my head.

      I am sorry. I am replying at a very strange time in my sobriety/mental health journey…

      Thanks for the comment.

      Liked by 1 person

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