It’s 17months this Thursday since I quit alcohol.
It’s been a hard month.
The deepest darkest lows of alcoholism are so far away from me now, those black pits specks on the horizon and my resolve wavers.
Was it that bad?
I seem to be doing really well in life. I’ve learnt a lot and really managed to deal with some unresolved issues…
Maybe I could drink again and it wouldn’t be that bad…It HAS been such a long time. I could drink and do so moderately. Mindfully. That’s a thing right? Maybe at weddings? Or festivals?
The issue with having an addictive personality is having a constant internal itch inside that you don’t know how to scratch. I go to the pub and I drink far too much diet coke. I get addicted to tea and coffee, I drink it in unnatural amounts because excess is my drug! I am an addict for MORE. It can be anything. Sex. Food. Love.
I just want to stuff something inside of me and feel temporary change. I don’t know how to explain any other way. In a way it’s like being starving but nothing satiates!
I told myself I would never write a blog when feeling sad, when feeling low. When knowing this state is temporary and not a constant.
The truth, is THIS is sobriety. Not just the highs. Not just the cleverly worded and well written prose of those gifted by hindsight.
Fact is. I know some people look up to me for being open about my sobriety journey. Some people find it impressive and inspirational that I have found it so easy. I didn’t realise it until recently but there has been a certain level of pressure for me to find this easy or rather to APPEAR to never struggle. So that maybe someone will look at me and feel inspired for a change, because it isn’t that bad.
Sometimes it IS easy.
Recently it’s hard.
I think it’s important for me to talk about this bit. The ugly bit. The bit you don’t want to hear because we all want to see someone do it and do it with grace and ease; otherwise it might put you off.
My life is sometimes full of art and music. I am surrounded by poets and writers and people that fill my life with colour and inspiration. There are days where I am so high on life and cannot believe how wonderful it all is. I can’t believe I didn’t self destruct. I can’t believe my saboteur didn’t win.
…and then I’m working a lot, in a job that makes me feel trapped. I haven’t seen my partner in days and the laundry is piled high. I’m SO tired. My brain feels too big for my skull and my sleep is the sleep of the exhausted. Without dreams. I miss my family but they live far away and I haven’t had the time off to go and see them. I’ve come off anti depressants and am feeling the changes. Often my anxiety or depersonalisation rears it’s head and it gets a bit much.
I try and recapture the magic but inside my body isn’t receptive. I go to the pub and I want to drink. I want to drink because I can’t remember why I don’t drink? I just want to feel the same thing everyone else is feeling. I want to drink and I want it to be the right answer this time.
Instead I go outside and I smoke a roll up cigarette. I rationalise this in my head because it’s only ONE and at least it isn’t booze. I tell people “this is my little bit of naughty – I am allowed a bit of naughty” because in my head its the lesser evil. Then I go home and I smell and my mouth tastes bad. I get a smoke headache and feel groggy the next day.
Would it be better to just have a shandy? Just one? Or two? WOULD IT MAKE ME A TERRIBLE PERSON?
I haven’t broken my sobriety. Is a relapse necessary to remind me of why I even do this?
I feel guilty writing that sentence. But it’s the truth and there’s no point sharing any of this if I don’t share ALL the elements.
I know I am just tired and feeling low.
I know this will pass.
For now I’m going to accept this is how I feel and that right now questioning my sobriety is Ok for me to do.
I’m going to leave this here. As it is. Because right now I don’t have an answer.
When I write again hopefully I will have an answer.
Hopefully this will pass, and a new lesson will be learnt.
I honestly thought I was done writing about sobriety because I didn’t consider it to be something I struggled with anymore.
…isn’t that funny?